Coming back

It's sobering to realize that this space has existed for 6 years. I was barely an adult when I wrote my first blog during COVID back in 2020. I was 17, had just completed high school and had my whole life ahead of me. (Not me speaking like I'm in my granny bag - but hey, let a boy affirm the journey)

"Quarantine" was not a word I anticipated to easily roll out my tongue, let alone have it be of relevant context at the time.

I was a caged bird but I don't sing - I resorted to writing instead. Besides, what else would I do given I had all the time with my thoughts?

My best friend had just begun his blogging journey as well and that was enough motivation for me to give it a try.

Words mean everything to me. Time and time again I will always quote John 1:1 - "In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God and the word was God". What more convincing do you need? The first creation account in Genesis when God said - "let there be..." And creation came to life. This is my viewpoint and why I take time to articulate myself in the manner I do.

And so I started...

Writing about my personal experience during COVID and my state of mind during the time. I was the subject, the teacher and the lesson. Coming into adulthood and the discovery of self was what I am still working with. Which is why, this space is quintessentially - my PUBLIC DIARY RECORDS.

Along the way, I've found myself boxed in my interpretation of what I've created here. Is this my open corner of the closet on the internet? Have I leaned too much into sex? Have I deconstructed my existence beyond the gay body? Is there newness to my perspective? And better yet is there depth to the context I've been applying?

My relationship with language has grown estranged for an indecent while now. I've found myself struggling to use my words. Not too proudly, I've withdrawn and resorted to silence as I've been going through the motions. My emotional bandwidth bearing the density of it all the while depriving myself of description by holding it all in. I've been lost in my head and feelings. 

Once again, I'm trying to run with my words and put parts of myself outside because the inspiration has always been that I possibly couldn't be alone in these unique experiences. My experiences have to count for something and this blog is but a connecting tissue.

I want to come back to this space that filled me with so much understanding of self. A relentlessness to use my words and describe what everything means to me....

As I grow older, I question more on what I want to share - what information I'm comfortable being out there. Having a blog is incredibly self-incriminating especially since this is based on truth and self-analysis. Not to mention that there are parts of me that are not accepted mainstream. And yes, I still ask myself - what would ever happen should my mom stumble upon my blog?

This is me daring myself to stand on a hill that means something to me. The hill being my high regard for words hence using them in a manner that holds the most power - through sharing.

To you, dear reader, my gems of friends, I'm learning how to come back, how to be seen and allow for the space to be held once again. These are my public diary records.