becoming

Lately I've been calling my energy back home
I've been catching myself smiling back at the mirror
Talking to me kinder,
Touching myself more gently
And loving myself better
I used to pride myself in always being dependable, the reliable friend - the one who will always come thru for their friends when they're in a fix
Until I realised ...
I need me too
I need my own comfort,
I need my own support and understanding
I'm in need of the very love I've been giving
There were days when I would get on a bike late at night just to go see this guy
This guy who, would sit with me,
Tease me, play with me
See me and acknowledge the little boy within
And I would long to be touched just by him
With such power, intention and care
Held with an understanding that my pleasure matters
The nights when I just wanted to feel full, complete and whole - sufficient, enough
Even God knows that's truly the way it felt - that's the way I felt
Taken care of,
Acknowledged,
Affirmed...
Until I realised
Realised I'm a tool- a vessel of warmth, relief , an escape to peace
But all for someone else, always for other people...
Why not myself?
Why not me?
You see, my toxic trait is that I love myself by loving other people
Putting the other person before myself
Sounds romantic, I know - but also unfair
Unfair to myself
And I've been revising my priorities - confirming my responsibilities...
I'm my first,
Turns out I owe myself *a lottttttttt*
I owe myself a home - in my own body and spirit
A shelter; protection from harm, negative words and low frequency thoughts
I owe myself support - motivation and every possible affirmation
Oh God I owe myself an identity...
That I can
I will and of course
I am.