OKAY

To the soul searching for itself...

To the heavy eyes that can't see through the tears,

To the broken heart that still beats,

To the lips that can't remember the last time they smiled,

To the heaving chest trying it's best to keep breathing,

To the tired hands...tired- tired of holding on 

To my 19 year old self trying to find my place 

Space inside the mess in my own head

From the voices inside

To the songs that keep me together

This is to the confusion

All the moments of chaos

To the exhaustion,the drama

Here's to my over-...

Over-thinking, over- analysing, over-sensitivity

This is me acknowledging that I feel way too much and I don't know how not to:

Constantly attack my sanity,

Brew pots of fear inside my mind,

Garden flowers of insecurity around my heart...

I end up sabotaging myself as a means to protect myself from disappointments,

Take back control of the narrative,

Hurt myself on your behalf so it won't hurt that bad

I'd rather have myself to blame since I dread the memories your name comes bearing ...

Lately my 21 year old self's been laying more in bed,

Thinking how I'm a mess

Now I'm just amused how older me doesn't know any better 

I don't fold under pressure - I fall

I don't punch walls - I push back on them hard as I'm crying on the floor

And no I'm not strong - I don't even identify with the word anymore

I don't say much but the screams in my head are loud 

My thoughts shout things I can't talk about 

I tend to lose myself when shit doesn't make sense

Say false "I'm okays" because what's the difference...

What would you do when I told you...

I'm not okay.